Blathering Toadies

blatant discrimination at Hogwarts

2007-07-13T17:04:00.000-05:00

Dear Daily Prophet,

This fall I applied to Oxford, Cambridge, Yale, Harvard, and Hogwarts, and was accepted into all but Hogwarts, who put me on their waiting list! I find this extremely unfair. I was perfectly qualified as a candidate, with superior scores on all standardized examinations and a 4.5 GPA. I have already taken either Advanced Placement or college-level courses in Charms, Summoning, Polyjuice Potions, the Wronski Feint, and even Imperious Curse Evasion (taken at a local wizarding community college), and I am fluent in English, Parseltongue, Troll, and Spanish. In addition to all this, I participated in extensive community service at the Hogwarts Infirmary under the supervision of Madam Pomfrey, RN/MBA, and used my language skills to open a free after-school program for young witches and wizards in under-served Latino and Troll communities in Little Surrey, UK.

I was really hoping to pursue a degree in herbology at Hogwarts, become school prefect, perhaps win a Quidditch tournament or two, and parlay that into a unique medical school application. I believe your readers should be informed of the blatant discrimination occurring at this nation's preeminent school for witches and wizards.

Sincerely yours,
Cornelius Kwok

Door creaks loudly open

2007-02-02T13:35:00.000-05:00

BioGuy2008: Whats up
twerkface: i dunno
BioGuy2008: Hows it going?
twerkface: just walked on the moon. you?
BioGuy2008: Cool
BioGuy2008: Working on apps ... booo
BioGuy2008: I'd much rather be playing tennis with Felix or taking bad pictures with my completely gratuitous digital camera, you know? I miss having a life ;)
BioGuy2008: Felix is so lucky he's just doing consulting

[four minutes pass]

BioGuy2008: Man
BioGuy2008: these apps are rough!!!
twerkface: er, what apps
BioGuy2008: You know, for research
twerkface: ...
BioGuy2008: You did them too right? When you were in my poor little premed shoes? Haha
twerkface: um .. i don't think so
BioGuy2008: huh? How did you send out ur research proposals?
twerkface: what research proposals
BioGuy2008: For working in lab over the summer, getting ready for med school apps
BioGuy2008: You're in med school, you know the drill :)
twerkface: i didn't work in any labs. i just worked at a magazine that summer
BioGuy2008: Hahahah you didnt do any benchwork?? Then what did you do?
BioGuy2008: No offense, but how did you get into med school?
twerkface: i guess i just slipped by
BioGuy2008: Strange

[eight minutes pass]

BioGuy2008: hey............
twerkface: ?
BioGuy2008: How is med school going?
twerkface: shrug. it's school. i'm tired of it
BioGuy2008: Arent you on rotations this year? must be busy?
BioGuy2008: i've read some horror stories on the premed forums
BioGuy2008: Melvin Chuang said it was like God was frowning at him every day, even though he was technically helping people the whole time
twerkface: no, i'm actually taking the year off
BioGuy2008: ahhhhh
BioGuy2008: Making up for the benchwork?
twerkface: no, i'm doing humanities research and taking art classes
BioGuy2008: Woah ..... what does that mean? Are you going to connect it to your medical career?
twerkface: no, i just like it
BioGuy2008: Cool
BioGuy2008: i bet residencies love well rounded people. You are really smart dude :)

[three-and-a-half minutes pass]

BioGuy2008: Hey, So I'm actually driving up there with my mom next week to check out the campus.
BioGuy2008: Who on the committee do you think I should definitely try to talk to?
BioGuy2008: Also, can you recommend any good books on current medical issues for me to peruse? Like, to get to know the field a little better? Not just the basic science side since i just ordered my subscriptions for JAMA and NEMJ, but also how scientific breakthroughs are applied in life, and raise really interesting issues
BioGuy2008: I figured it'd be good to have some working knowledge about that in my pocket..
BioGuy2008: What was your experience like when you interviewed there? I'm not there yet obviously, but this should be a good practice run
BioGuy2008: Did you have a key phrase or sentences that you used to sum up your personal interests, or did you just guide them through your resume?
BioGuy2008: For me, i was thinking about bringing up the benchwork, but since the lab I'm working in right now is ultra hardcore, I thought I'd maybe bring that out a little later in the conversation. Hit em hard
BioGuy2008: Maybe the volunteer work would be a good starter. What sort of volunteer work did you do? And how many hours?
BioGuy2008: And when you told them about your interests, how did you make them want to accept you? Seems like you have to have a really interesting combination of things or a good personal story
BioGuy2008: Like, maybe a SLIGHTLY less than perfect physics score, but then explaining that it's b/c you actually spent too much time learning about quantum dynamics and string theory. You know, all that stuff about turning each negative into a positive
BioGuy2008: Actually, it's pretty interesting that the lab I work in is located in a pretty slummy area of town, with a lot of minorities who can't seem to get to a good place in society..... It's so sad. I could probably talk about that!
BioGuy2008: Did you relate an interesting anecdote about you and a medical experience, or did you focus more on where you were at that point with medicine?
BioGuy2008: Yeah, so I'd really appreciate any insights you might have on how to broaden my perspective on medicine, offer a solid background while maintaining an interesting profile, and maybe even make super early contact with the head of admissions ;)
BioGuy2008: If you could send me an e-mail with your enumerated thoughts, that'd be great. Would you mind also attaching a copy of your med school essay? Thanks so much, I could really use your advice
twerkface: I am away from my computer.
BioGuy2008: I'm starting to think about rec letters too

Animals That Live in the Mirror

2007-02-02T12:03:00.000-05:00

One night, however, the people of the mirror invaded this world. Their strength was great, but after many bloody battles, the magic of the Yellow Emperor prevailed. The Emperor pushed back the invaders, imprisoned them within the mirrors, and punished them by making them repeat, as though in a kind of dream, all the actions of their human victors. He stripped them of their strength and their own shape and reduced them to mere servile reflections. One day, however, they will throw off that magical lethargy.

--Jorge Luis Borges, The Book of Imaginary Beings

"From Beyond The Lotus Pavilion" and other crappy memoirs of a generic Asian American female writer

2007-01-31T14:44:00.000-05:00

By Maybelline Chang

The Chinese have a popular saying: "jiao yian xian you." Sometimes this is translated as "salt and pepper calamari," but I prefer the more provincial rendering: "every peony is blessed with ten thousand secret fragrances." After Chiang-Kai Shek's disgraced Nationalist army fled the mainland and established martial law in Taiwan, this phrase took on special meaning among those families, including my own, that were forced to suffer under the Kuomintang's iron fist. Even now, writing these words here in the safety of my American apartment, I feel the force of that ancient Chinese idiom echoing through our empty house on Xiamen Street, and a shiver runs down my spine, a shiver that is caused by the ghosts of my ancestors, and also by my rheumatoid arthritis. "Maybelline-ah," my mother used to admonish, brushing her beautiful ebony hair with a red velvet-backed brush. "Jiao yian xian you." Do not forget the ten thousand secret fragrances that reside within you.

*****

Fleeing the horrors of war, my family decided to board an unwieldy freighter under cover of night and embark for kam san -- "Gold Mountain" -- the fabled city of San Francisco where the streets were rumored to be paved with gold. However, in their haste to depart undetected, they were forced to leave behind some of their most treasured possessions, including: jade bracelets, gold ingots, expensive ivory hair ornaments, priceless family heirlooms, grandfather's beloved transistor radio, adorable bedroom furniture sets, several valuable babies, and a grand piano.

My mother is now very different from the beautiful young woman in the old black and white photos on our mantel. "Maybelline-ah," she sighs from her favorite rocking chair. "Why you no decide to marry a Chinese man? Why you marry this black hei gui tou and have these salt and pepper children?"

Darnell tries to be supportive. Last summer we took a trip to Taiwan, where my relatives gossiped about him in disapproving Chinese and he bore it all with the gentle patience of a saint. Together we wandered the streets of Dongxia beilu, exclaiming over the savory crullers, oyster pancakes, and other exotic foods being hawked on every street corner. It was at times like these that I would pause to reflect on the ironies and idiosyncrasies of fate, destiny, chance, and fortune. This was also a good time to wonder about issues of identity -- for although I look Chinese, I did not feel connected to the people of strange land. This is such a profound point that I cannot help but think about it some more.

THE END

Stakes Are High

2007-01-02T14:48:00.000-05:00

As the days go on, you feel your filial duties gripping you in the gut (pulling out your bowels would begin to rival your parents' fiscal, if not emotional, sacrifice for your well-being), groin (the urge to fornicate only reminds you of the filial duties you could be performing in the meantime), and head (from which tears are wrung as you contemplate your manifold betrayals, small and large).

Don't feel like performing your filial duties anymore? Here are ten viable alternatives:

Your choice of either tortured self-loathing or somber, existential grief (but regrettably not both) to accompany you into vigilant Death's open arms;
Spooning out your eyeballs with a spork;
Simply diving head-on into the life of hedonism, drugs, and crime that befits your charred, withered soul;
Checking yourself into a mountaintop monastery to seek atonement--under the guise of pursuing divine contemplation of a meaningful existence which will, nonetheless, forever elude you;
Requesting asylum at an insane asylum, using your insanity as leverage;
Purposefully losing yourself in the woods in the hope that you will be saved and nurtured by a beneficent family of wolves, which will grant you a second shot at life as a furless wolf-child;
Becoming an artist;
Sealing an arcane blood pact with the Devil;
Directing your remaining, if feeble, energies towards performing cold-blooded acts of Terror upon innocent, filially-responsible citizens;
Saving the Earth from a cataclysmic catastrophe involving: alien invasion, meteors, plague, nuclear fallout, melting polar icecaps, giant robots, zombies, herd animals gone mad, biochemical warfare, misbehaving artificial intelligences, postmodernism, corporate-enforced subjugation, rampant ennui, the Four Horsemen (or equivalent apocalypse-bringers), or any combination thereof, thus redeeming yourself as a valid human being.

Birds

2006-12-09T21:54:00.000-05:00

"But there is no escape from here," I say. "You looked over the map, didn't you? There is no exit. This is the End of the World."

"It may be the End of the World, but it has to have a way out. I know that for certain. Look at the sky. Where do those birds go when they fly over the Wall? To another world. If there was nothing out there, why surround the place with a Wall? It has to let out somewhere."

"Or maybe--"

"Leave it to me, I'll find it," he cuts me short. "We'll get out of here. I don't want to die in this miserable hole."

He digs his heel into the ground again. "I repeat what I said at the very beginning: this place is wrong. I know it. More than ever. The problem is, the Town is perfectly wrong. Every last thing is skewed, so that the total distortion is seamless. It's a whole. Like this--"

My shadow draws a circle on the ground with his boot.

"The Town is sealed," he states, "like this. That's why the longer you stay in here, the more you get to thinking that things are normal. You begin to doubt your judgment. You get what I'm saying?"

"Yes, I've felt that myself. I get so confused. Sometimes it seems I'm the cause of a lot of trouble."

"It's not that way at all," says my shadow, scratching a meandering pattern next to the circle. "We're the ones who are right. They're the ones who are wrong, absolutely. You have to believe that, while you still have the strength to believe. Or else the Town will swallow you, mind and all."

--Haruki Murakami, Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World

aZneSE

2006-11-21T22:49:00.000-05:00

Here is my patented AZN Word Transmogrifier, designed to transform everyday speech into useful AZN script. Let's try it out:

Hello there. How are you today?
______:§§§§§§§§§¥¥¥¥¥§§§§§§§§§):______
_________:§§§§§§§¥¥¥§§§§§§§):_________
________"(§§§§§§§§¥¥¥§§§§§§§§)"________
*BUZZ WHIRR SPUT SPUT COUGH WHINE*

~yO sUm oNe goTz 2 sEe dis nIggA rIdiN hIgH 4 dA reAALz~**

Why I like...

2006-11-21T19:55:00.000-05:00

Time for college applications already? But you have no idea why you've done ANY of the things you've been doing for the past decade! Don't worry--here I provide some quick, meaningful catchphrases guaranteed to a) remind you that your life does, indeed, mean something; b) tell you what it means; and c) potentially unearth more meaning than you ever thought existed! (These are also worth practicing, in slightly altered verbalizations, for your imminent deluge of Ivy League interviews.)

I have always been a curious person. As a child, I quickly became fascinated by biology [or other organic science / computer science / mathematics], which has provided a rich foundation for [vague words useful for setting up award-dropping later on: discovery / learning / inspiration].
---
Inspired by my father's untiring devotion to his family, I realized that [hard work / sacrifice / dedication / strength of mind / etc.] are essential qualities in life.
---
Music has always been instrumental to my life. On the [piano / violin / cello / flute / choir bench], I have found a valuable outlet for my [emotions / creativity / other non-scientific characteristics].
---
My passion for [science / mathematics / music] was fueled when I won [list your first award here; this will immediately set off a cascade in which your other awards, and their attendant significances, will follow naturally].
---
My diverse cultural background has taught me much about [contemporary issue regarding race / people / the world].
---
Eager to explore my interests in [organic science / computer science / mathematics], I participated in a [semi-selective summer program / internship / volunteer position], where I gained additional tools for my aspirations to become a [doctor / engineer / scientist / successful businessman].
---
As president of my school [debate club / orchestra / science olympiad team / math team / computer club / Christian fellowship], I led a [list semi-mandatory outing, fundraiser, or teen dance of your choice] which showed me the value of [leadership / teamwork / applying one's talents to the community].
---
I stared hesitantly at the [steaming pot of pig's blood would be my choice, but you and I both know the possibilities are multifarious]. "Eat it before it gets cold," my mother said. It was then that I realized how [much my family had done for me / lucky a life I have led / I could never truly take part in my heritage, and would have to discover the true meaning of being American / my feet hurt from all the walking].
---
Over time, practicing traditional [performance art] has taught me the value of [leadership / teamwork / applying one's talents to the community].

Hope this helps! Don't worry--at times like this, it's best to glance at your resume: As the handsome array of hard-earned awards reveals, you've already had an incredibly rewarding life! And you've got many, many more rewarding years left before your parents will be willing to take their collective eye off you!

Ask a Gayzn: Azn Fashion Edition #1

2006-11-21T11:13:00.000-05:00

What up my nü peng you! The topic for this inaugural "Ask a Gayzn" blog is "Azn fashions!" Now I know what you are thinking... "There's no such thing as 'Azn fashion!'" But you could not be more wrong; there are many popular looks for Azns, and today we will answer letters about some of them. So strap on your seatbelt and stick some chopsticks in your hair, cuz it's definitely gonna be a bumpy ride!!!

Dear Gayzn,
Aiyah! I am in a huge rush this morning because I need to run three Western blots before the lab meeting at 1, and I'm also worried that I may have forgotten to put the PCR primers back in the -20º freezer after work last night. Bottom line: I need to get into work before my PI throws a hissy fit! What ensemble can I throw together in 5 minutes that expresses my dedication to the world of prokaryotes yet also exudes a sense of "micro-pipetting chic?"
Sincerely,
Azn lab rat

Dear Azn lab rat,
For the look you desire, combine ill-fitting tapered khaki pants with a tucked-in white t-shirt, preferably bearing either the logo of a biotechnology company (e.g., "Genentech," "Bristol Myers Squibb") or else an ironic science-themed logo (e.g., "Splice Girls.") Ugly white hi-top sneakers from Payless or Marshall's are a must! To complete this winning ensemble, you should wear an ugly and enormous puffy jacket purchased from a vendor in Chinatown, regardless of the weather or time of year. Acceptable color choices are black and dark blue.
Dream college: MIT
You will be forced into: Grad school in biology

Dear Gayzn,
I feel an overwhelming desire to please my parents and ancestors, and I have also been cursed with the talent and ability to do so. Unfortunately, this means sacrificing every last aspect of my individuality in favor of embarking on the Azn Path. Graduating as valedictorian of my high school class and then four years of resume padding in college has not been easy -- but shouldn't it be possible to still look good while doing it?? I really need an outfit to prepare me for a lifetime of soulless endeavor!
Respectfully, and hoping to hear from you soon,
Determinazn

Dear Determinazn,
Don't worry; eventually you will have only one outfit, and it will be a simple white straight-jacket. But until the day of your imminent psychotic break, the answer to your question is simple: you should only ever shop at Banana Republic! All their clothes are interchangeable and drab enough that you will never have to worry about accidentally picking a bad combination on a busy day -- plus they exude the "professionalism" that one of your Kaplan tutors told you would be so important for your upcoming medical school interviews. Generic flat-front khakis go nicely with a generic button-down shirt, generic brown belt, and generic brown shoes. You should buy a generic black or navy blue campus coat that always looks too long on you and too broad for your shoulders, as well as a generic black messenger bag that you can wear strapped across your chest. Glasses will make you look more serious and genuine as you lie about how you "really want to help other people." If you now look and feel completely nondescript, then congratulations -- you're ready to fulfill your parents' dreams!
Dream college: Harvard
You will be forced into: Medical School

Dear Gayzn,
My situation is extremely complicated and I couldn't think of anyone else to turn to: despite my desperate longing to be a unique individual, which I generally convey by listening to the same four Indy bands as all my friends, I'm pretty sure that I will end up selling out to my culture's notion of "success" and lamely attempting to justify my career choice to others. I am about to head out to my favorite coffeeshop on campus, where I plan to spend four hours clutching a steaming cup of gingerroot tea between my delicate fingers and dreamily scribbling all sorts of conflicted thoughts into my trusty journal. What outfit will best convey these paradoxical impulses toward alienation and conformity?
Yours,
Anguished Azn

Dear Anguished Azn,
The keys for you to remember in assembling your ideal ensemble are skinny jeans, Converse sneakers, and most importantly, a colorful scarf! The more elaborately you can wear this scarf around your neck, the better. Maybe you should wear two or three. Your goal is to look like you are very cold (which is why clutching your teacup is such a good look for you). Dark-rimmed glasses à la Jeannine Garofolo are a must, as is a comfortable tan satchel that you can rummage around in while walking around campus. Be sure to decorate the strap with lots of buttons, at least one of which should have an anti-war theme. Add a hoodie from America Apparel and an ugly blazer purchased from the Salvation Army, and voila!
Dream college: Yale
You will be forced into: Law School

Dear Gayzn,
Tonight is the all-campus worship, and I will be leading the praise band in front of hundreds of other Azns, as well as one or two white guys! This scenario has really got my nerves going, and I'm putting my faith in you (and God) to whip together a winning ensemble in plenty of time for me to give a shout-out to my homeboy Jesus tonight!
In His love,
The Azn 14th Disciple (only described in certain gnostic Gospels)

Dear 14th Disciple,
Wo de tian ah! That is a tough one. But here's my suggestion: Start with cargo shorts that your mom bought you from Costco, and make sure they are one or two sizes too large so that your legs look as skinny as possible, then complement them with a braided leather belt. Add a navy blue t-shirt emblazoned with overtly Christian slogans in huge white lettering (e.g. "Got Jesus?" or "John 3:14"), and mix it up with a classic Oxford-style button-down. You can leave your shirt unbuttoned for a "casual" look, and be sure to roll up your sleeves so you won't have any trouble strumming that same "C, G, D" chord progression over and over and over and over again! I recommend a pair of Birkenstocks or Tevas to round out the look. Note: If you are just beginning to acknowledge your latent homosexuality, you should gradually experiment with wearing t-shirts that are tighter, black, sleeveless, and not Christian-themed. You will be amazed at how many admiring looks you will get from the many other Christian Fellowship boys who are stuck in Jesus's closet with you.
Dream college: Cornell
You will be forced into: Grad school in biology with the Azn Lab Rat

Dear Gayzn,
I grew up in South Dakota; no one ever told me that I was Asian, and also I've never looked in a mirror before. So once I got to college, I decided to rush the Greek scene and enter the world of seriously badass frat parties! After pledging Sigma Chi during my sophomore year, though, I began to realize that total whitewashing on the inside does NOT translate into scoring with the white chicks on the outside... no really, TRUST me on this one, brah. What outfit can I wear to demonstrate to everyone else, especially white chicks, my wholehearted mindless conformity?
Peace out yo.
Alpha Zeta Nu Brother

Dear AZN Brother,
Two words: Abercrombie & Fitch! Although you will never possess the face or body type of any of the models in the stores, and if you applied for a job there they would lock you in the basement folding clothes because you don't have "the look me need in a sales associate," this is still clearly the best choice for you. Acceptable choices include t-shirts emblazoned with bland witticisms ("Open for Business 24/7") and rubber flip flops that chafe between your toes but that you insist on wearing anyway "cuz they're so comfortable." This combination can be rocked all year round, regardless of the temperature -- though if you get cold in the winter you should layer up with a pink or baby-blue polo shirt (collar popped, of course). Accessorize with a necklace made of white seashells or hemp and a Nalgene bottle with at least three pieces of duct tape on it. When going to the gym, you should wear a tight white "wifebeater" tank top that emphasizes your un-muscular frame, as well as enormous basketball shorts and huge basketball sneakers with white socks pulled up to mid-calf. This is easily the most annoying outfit an Azn guy can wear, and therefore perfect for you!
Dream college: Princeton
You will be forced into: Business School

I'm afraid that's all we have time for now... join us next time for another exciting edition of "Ask a Gayzn!"

The Plan

2006-11-20T17:38:00.000-05:00

Distinguished Asian Names

2006-11-20T16:17:00.000-05:00

Do you have a really boring monosyllabic last name? Here's a fun trick: Complement it with an incongruously ornate first name to help people realize how Unique your child is! Finding the right proportion of first-name complexity to last-name banality is challenging but ultimately rewarding. Here are some examples:

Cornelius Liu
Siegfried Kim
Mathilda Leung
Patricio Ng
Bartholomew Paik
Ferdinand Foo
Temperance Wu
Pansy Dee
Eustace Kwok
Hans Kim
Rupert Wang
Woodrow Fong

Now you try! ^_^