Here is my patented AZN Word Transmogrifier, designed to transform everyday speech into useful AZN script. Let's try it out:
Hello there. How are you today?
______:§§§§§§§§§¥¥¥¥¥§§§§§§§§§):______
_________:§§§§§§§¥¥¥§§§§§§§):_________
________"(§§§§§§§§¥¥¥§§§§§§§§)"________
*BUZZ WHIRR SPUT SPUT COUGH WHINE*
~yO sUm oNe goTz 2 sEe dis nIggA rIdiN hIgH 4 dA reAALz~**
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Why I like...
Time for college applications already? But you have no idea why you've done ANY of the things you've been doing for the past decade! Don't worry--here I provide some quick, meaningful catchphrases guaranteed to a) remind you that your life does, indeed, mean something; b) tell you what it means; and c) potentially unearth more meaning than you ever thought existed! (These are also worth practicing, in slightly altered verbalizations, for your imminent deluge of Ivy League interviews.)
I have always been a curious person. As a child, I quickly became fascinated by biology [or other organic science / computer science / mathematics], which has provided a rich foundation for [vague words useful for setting up award-dropping later on: discovery / learning / inspiration].
---
Inspired by my father's untiring devotion to his family, I realized that [hard work / sacrifice / dedication / strength of mind / etc.] are essential qualities in life.
---
Music has always been instrumental to my life. On the [piano / violin / cello / flute / choir bench], I have found a valuable outlet for my [emotions / creativity / other non-scientific characteristics].
---
My passion for [science / mathematics / music] was fueled when I won [list your first award here; this will immediately set off a cascade in which your other awards, and their attendant significances, will follow naturally].
---
My diverse cultural background has taught me much about [contemporary issue regarding race / people / the world].
---
Eager to explore my interests in [organic science / computer science / mathematics], I participated in a [semi-selective summer program / internship / volunteer position], where I gained additional tools for my aspirations to become a [doctor / engineer / scientist / successful businessman].
---
As president of my school [debate club / orchestra / science olympiad team / math team / computer club / Christian fellowship], I led a [list semi-mandatory outing, fundraiser, or teen dance of your choice] which showed me the value of [leadership / teamwork / applying one's talents to the community].
---
I stared hesitantly at the [steaming pot of pig's blood would be my choice, but you and I both know the possibilities are multifarious]. "Eat it before it gets cold," my mother said. It was then that I realized how [much my family had done for me / lucky a life I have led / I could never truly take part in my heritage, and would have to discover the true meaning of being American / my feet hurt from all the walking].
---
Over time, practicing traditional [performance art] has taught me the value of [leadership / teamwork / applying one's talents to the community].
Hope this helps! Don't worry--at times like this, it's best to glance at your resume: As the handsome array of hard-earned awards reveals, you've already had an incredibly rewarding life! And you've got many, many more rewarding years left before your parents will be willing to take their collective eye off you!
I have always been a curious person. As a child, I quickly became fascinated by biology [or other organic science / computer science / mathematics], which has provided a rich foundation for [vague words useful for setting up award-dropping later on: discovery / learning / inspiration].
---
Inspired by my father's untiring devotion to his family, I realized that [hard work / sacrifice / dedication / strength of mind / etc.] are essential qualities in life.
---
Music has always been instrumental to my life. On the [piano / violin / cello / flute / choir bench], I have found a valuable outlet for my [emotions / creativity / other non-scientific characteristics].
---
My passion for [science / mathematics / music] was fueled when I won [list your first award here; this will immediately set off a cascade in which your other awards, and their attendant significances, will follow naturally].
---
My diverse cultural background has taught me much about [contemporary issue regarding race / people / the world].
---
Eager to explore my interests in [organic science / computer science / mathematics], I participated in a [semi-selective summer program / internship / volunteer position], where I gained additional tools for my aspirations to become a [doctor / engineer / scientist / successful businessman].
---
As president of my school [debate club / orchestra / science olympiad team / math team / computer club / Christian fellowship], I led a [list semi-mandatory outing, fundraiser, or teen dance of your choice] which showed me the value of [leadership / teamwork / applying one's talents to the community].
---
I stared hesitantly at the [steaming pot of pig's blood would be my choice, but you and I both know the possibilities are multifarious]. "Eat it before it gets cold," my mother said. It was then that I realized how [much my family had done for me / lucky a life I have led / I could never truly take part in my heritage, and would have to discover the true meaning of being American / my feet hurt from all the walking].
---
Over time, practicing traditional [performance art] has taught me the value of [leadership / teamwork / applying one's talents to the community].
Hope this helps! Don't worry--at times like this, it's best to glance at your resume: As the handsome array of hard-earned awards reveals, you've already had an incredibly rewarding life! And you've got many, many more rewarding years left before your parents will be willing to take their collective eye off you!
Ask a Gayzn: Azn Fashion Edition #1
What up my nü peng you! The topic for this inaugural "Ask a Gayzn" blog is "Azn fashions!" Now I know what you are thinking... "There's no such thing as 'Azn fashion!'" But you could not be more wrong; there are many popular looks for Azns, and today we will answer letters about some of them. So strap on your seatbelt and stick some chopsticks in your hair, cuz it's definitely gonna be a bumpy ride!!!
Dear Gayzn,
Aiyah! I am in a huge rush this morning because I need to run three Western blots before the lab meeting at 1, and I'm also worried that I may have forgotten to put the PCR primers back in the -20º freezer after work last night. Bottom line: I need to get into work before my PI throws a hissy fit! What ensemble can I throw together in 5 minutes that expresses my dedication to the world of prokaryotes yet also exudes a sense of "micro-pipetting chic?"
Sincerely,
Azn lab rat
Dear Azn lab rat,
For the look you desire, combine ill-fitting tapered khaki pants with a tucked-in white t-shirt, preferably bearing either the logo of a biotechnology company (e.g., "Genentech," "Bristol Myers Squibb") or else an ironic science-themed logo (e.g., "Splice Girls.") Ugly white hi-top sneakers from Payless or Marshall's are a must! To complete this winning ensemble, you should wear an ugly and enormous puffy jacket purchased from a vendor in Chinatown, regardless of the weather or time of year. Acceptable color choices are black and dark blue.
Dream college: MIT
You will be forced into: Grad school in biology
Dear Gayzn,
I feel an overwhelming desire to please my parents and ancestors, and I have also been cursed with the talent and ability to do so. Unfortunately, this means sacrificing every last aspect of my individuality in favor of embarking on the Azn Path. Graduating as valedictorian of my high school class and then four years of resume padding in college has not been easy -- but shouldn't it be possible to still look good while doing it?? I really need an outfit to prepare me for a lifetime of soulless endeavor!
Respectfully, and hoping to hear from you soon,
Determinazn
Dear Determinazn,
Don't worry; eventually you will have only one outfit, and it will be a simple white straight-jacket. But until the day of your imminent psychotic break, the answer to your question is simple: you should only ever shop at Banana Republic! All their clothes are interchangeable
and drab enough that you will never have to worry about accidentally picking a bad combination on a busy day -- plus they exude the "professionalism" that one of your Kaplan tutors told you would be so important for your upcoming medical school interviews. Generic flat-front khakis go nicely with a generic button-down shirt, generic brown belt, and generic brown shoes. You should buy a generic black or navy blue campus coat that always looks too long on you and too broad for your shoulders, as well as a generic black messenger bag that you can wear strapped across your chest. Glasses will make you look more serious and genuine as you lie about how you "really want to help other people." If you now look and feel completely nondescript, then congratulations -- you're ready to fulfill your parents' dreams!
Dream college: Harvard
You will be forced into: Medical School
Dear Gayzn,
My situation is extremely complicated and I couldn't think of anyone else to turn to: despite my desperate longing to be a unique individual, which I generally convey by listening to the same four Indy bands as all my friends, I'm pretty sure that I will end up selling out to my culture's notion of "success" and lamely attempting to justify my career choice to others. I am about to head out to my favorite coffeeshop on campus, where I plan to spend four hours clutching a steaming cup of gingerroot tea between my delicate fingers and dreamily scribbling all sorts of conflicted thoughts into my trusty journal. What outfit will best convey these paradoxical impulses toward alienation and conformity?
Yours,
Anguished Azn
Dear Anguished Azn,
The keys for you to remember in assembling your ideal ensemble are skinny jeans, Converse sneakers, and most importantly, a colorful scarf! The more elaborately you can wear this scarf around your neck, the better. Maybe you should wear two or three. Your goal is to look like you are very cold (which is why clutching your teacup is such a good look for you). Dark-rimmed glasses à la Jeannine Garofolo are a must, as is a comfortable tan satchel that you can rummage around in while walking around campus. Be sure to decorate the strap with lots of buttons, at least one of which should have an anti-war theme. Add a hoodie from America Apparel and an ugly blazer purchased from the Salvation Army, and voila!
Dream college: Yale
You will be forced into: Law School
Dear Gayzn,
Tonight is the all-campus worship, and I will be leading the praise band in front of hundreds of other Azns, as well as one or two white guys! This scenario has really got my nerves going, and I'm putting my faith in you (and God) to whip together a winning ensemble in plenty of time for me to give a shout-out to my homeboy Jesus tonight!
In His love,
The Azn 14th Disciple (only described in certain gnostic Gospels)
Dear 14th Disciple,
Wo de tian ah! That is a tough one. But here's my suggestion: Start with cargo shorts
that your mom bought you from Costco, and make sure they are one or two sizes too large so that your legs look as skinny as possible, then complement them with a braided leather belt. Add a navy blue t-shirt emblazoned with overtly Christian slogans in huge white lettering (e.g. "Got Jesus?" or "John 3:14"), and mix it up with a classic Oxford-style button-down. You can leave your shirt unbuttoned for a "casual" look, and be sure to roll up your sleeves so you won't have any trouble strumming that same "C, G, D" chord progression over and over and over and over again! I recommend a pair of Birkenstocks or Tevas to round out the look. Note: If you are just beginning to acknowledge your latent homosexuality, you should gradually experiment with wearing t-shirts that are tighter, black, sleeveless, and not Christian-themed. You will be amazed at how many admiring looks you will get from the many other Christian Fellowship boys who are stuck in Jesus's closet with you.
Dream college: Cornell
You will be forced into: Grad school in biology with the Azn Lab Rat
Dear Gayzn,
I grew up in South Dakota; no one ever told me that I was Asian, and also I've never looked in a mirror before. So once I got to college, I decided to rush the Greek scene and enter the world of seriously badass frat parties! After pledging Sigma Chi during my sophomore year, though, I began to realize that total whitewashing on the inside does NOT translate into scoring with the white chicks on the outside... no really, TRUST me on this one, brah. What outfit can I wear to demonstrate to everyone else, especially white chicks, my wholehearted mindless conformity?
Peace out yo.
Alpha Zeta Nu Brother
Dear AZN Brother,
Two words: Abercrombie & Fitch! Although you will never possess the face or body type of any of the models in the stores, and if you applied for a job there they would lock you in the basement folding clothes because you don't have "the look me need in a sales associate," this is still clearly the best choice for you. Acceptable choices include t-shirts emblazoned with bland
witticisms ("Open for Business 24/7") and rubber flip flops that chafe between your toes but that you insist on wearing anyway "cuz they're so comfortable." This combination can be rocked all year round, regardless of the temperature -- though if you get cold in the winter you should layer up with a pink or baby-blue polo shirt (collar popped, of course). Accessorize with a necklace made of white seashells or hemp and a Nalgene bottle with at least three pieces of duct tape on it. When going to the gym, you should wear a tight white "wifebeater" tank top that emphasizes your un-muscular frame, as well as enormous basketball shorts and huge basketball sneakers with white socks pulled up to mid-calf. This is easily the most annoying outfit an Azn guy can wear, and therefore perfect for you!
Dream college: Princeton
You will be forced into: Business School
I'm afraid that's all we have time for now... join us next time for another exciting edition of "Ask a Gayzn!"
Dear Gayzn,
Aiyah! I am in a huge rush this morning because I need to run three Western blots before the lab meeting at 1, and I'm also worried that I may have forgotten to put the PCR primers back in the -20º freezer after work last night. Bottom line: I need to get into work before my PI throws a hissy fit! What ensemble can I throw together in 5 minutes that expresses my dedication to the world of prokaryotes yet also exudes a sense of "micro-pipetting chic?"
Sincerely,
Azn lab rat
Dear Azn lab rat,
For the look you desire, combine ill-fitting tapered khaki pants with a tucked-in white t-shirt, preferably bearing either the logo of a biotechnology company (e.g., "Genentech," "Bristol Myers Squibb") or else an ironic science-themed logo (e.g., "Splice Girls.") Ugly white hi-top sneakers from Payless or Marshall's are a must! To complete this winning ensemble, you should wear an ugly and enormous puffy jacket purchased from a vendor in Chinatown, regardless of the weather or time of year. Acceptable color choices are black and dark blue.
Dream college: MIT
You will be forced into: Grad school in biology
Dear Gayzn,
I feel an overwhelming desire to please my parents and ancestors, and I have also been cursed with the talent and ability to do so. Unfortunately, this means sacrificing every last aspect of my individuality in favor of embarking on the Azn Path. Graduating as valedictorian of my high school class and then four years of resume padding in college has not been easy -- but shouldn't it be possible to still look good while doing it?? I really need an outfit to prepare me for a lifetime of soulless endeavor!
Respectfully, and hoping to hear from you soon,
Determinazn
Dear Determinazn,
Don't worry; eventually you will have only one outfit, and it will be a simple white straight-jacket. But until the day of your imminent psychotic break, the answer to your question is simple: you should only ever shop at Banana Republic! All their clothes are interchangeable
and drab enough that you will never have to worry about accidentally picking a bad combination on a busy day -- plus they exude the "professionalism" that one of your Kaplan tutors told you would be so important for your upcoming medical school interviews. Generic flat-front khakis go nicely with a generic button-down shirt, generic brown belt, and generic brown shoes. You should buy a generic black or navy blue campus coat that always looks too long on you and too broad for your shoulders, as well as a generic black messenger bag that you can wear strapped across your chest. Glasses will make you look more serious and genuine as you lie about how you "really want to help other people." If you now look and feel completely nondescript, then congratulations -- you're ready to fulfill your parents' dreams!Dream college: Harvard
You will be forced into: Medical School
Dear Gayzn,
My situation is extremely complicated and I couldn't think of anyone else to turn to: despite my desperate longing to be a unique individual, which I generally convey by listening to the same four Indy bands as all my friends, I'm pretty sure that I will end up selling out to my culture's notion of "success" and lamely attempting to justify my career choice to others. I am about to head out to my favorite coffeeshop on campus, where I plan to spend four hours clutching a steaming cup of gingerroot tea between my delicate fingers and dreamily scribbling all sorts of conflicted thoughts into my trusty journal. What outfit will best convey these paradoxical impulses toward alienation and conformity?
Yours,
Anguished Azn
Dear Anguished Azn,
The keys for you to remember in assembling your ideal ensemble are skinny jeans, Converse sneakers, and most importantly, a colorful scarf! The more elaborately you can wear this scarf around your neck, the better. Maybe you should wear two or three. Your goal is to look like you are very cold (which is why clutching your teacup is such a good look for you). Dark-rimmed glasses à la Jeannine Garofolo are a must, as is a comfortable tan satchel that you can rummage around in while walking around campus. Be sure to decorate the strap with lots of buttons, at least one of which should have an anti-war theme. Add a hoodie from America Apparel and an ugly blazer purchased from the Salvation Army, and voila!
Dream college: Yale
You will be forced into: Law School
Dear Gayzn,
Tonight is the all-campus worship, and I will be leading the praise band in front of hundreds of other Azns, as well as one or two white guys! This scenario has really got my nerves going, and I'm putting my faith in you (and God) to whip together a winning ensemble in plenty of time for me to give a shout-out to my homeboy Jesus tonight!
In His love,
The Azn 14th Disciple (only described in certain gnostic Gospels)
Dear 14th Disciple,
Wo de tian ah! That is a tough one. But here's my suggestion: Start with cargo shorts
that your mom bought you from Costco, and make sure they are one or two sizes too large so that your legs look as skinny as possible, then complement them with a braided leather belt. Add a navy blue t-shirt emblazoned with overtly Christian slogans in huge white lettering (e.g. "Got Jesus?" or "John 3:14"), and mix it up with a classic Oxford-style button-down. You can leave your shirt unbuttoned for a "casual" look, and be sure to roll up your sleeves so you won't have any trouble strumming that same "C, G, D" chord progression over and over and over and over again! I recommend a pair of Birkenstocks or Tevas to round out the look. Note: If you are just beginning to acknowledge your latent homosexuality, you should gradually experiment with wearing t-shirts that are tighter, black, sleeveless, and not Christian-themed. You will be amazed at how many admiring looks you will get from the many other Christian Fellowship boys who are stuck in Jesus's closet with you.Dream college: Cornell
You will be forced into: Grad school in biology with the Azn Lab Rat
Dear Gayzn,
I grew up in South Dakota; no one ever told me that I was Asian, and also I've never looked in a mirror before. So once I got to college, I decided to rush the Greek scene and enter the world of seriously badass frat parties! After pledging Sigma Chi during my sophomore year, though, I began to realize that total whitewashing on the inside does NOT translate into scoring with the white chicks on the outside... no really, TRUST me on this one, brah. What outfit can I wear to demonstrate to everyone else, especially white chicks, my wholehearted mindless conformity?
Peace out yo.
Alpha Zeta Nu Brother
Dear AZN Brother,
Two words: Abercrombie & Fitch! Although you will never possess the face or body type of any of the models in the stores, and if you applied for a job there they would lock you in the basement folding clothes because you don't have "the look me need in a sales associate," this is still clearly the best choice for you. Acceptable choices include t-shirts emblazoned with bland
witticisms ("Open for Business 24/7") and rubber flip flops that chafe between your toes but that you insist on wearing anyway "cuz they're so comfortable." This combination can be rocked all year round, regardless of the temperature -- though if you get cold in the winter you should layer up with a pink or baby-blue polo shirt (collar popped, of course). Accessorize with a necklace made of white seashells or hemp and a Nalgene bottle with at least three pieces of duct tape on it. When going to the gym, you should wear a tight white "wifebeater" tank top that emphasizes your un-muscular frame, as well as enormous basketball shorts and huge basketball sneakers with white socks pulled up to mid-calf. This is easily the most annoying outfit an Azn guy can wear, and therefore perfect for you!Dream college: Princeton
You will be forced into: Business School
I'm afraid that's all we have time for now... join us next time for another exciting edition of "Ask a Gayzn!"
Monday, November 20, 2006
Distinguished Asian Names
Do you have a really boring monosyllabic last name? Here's a fun trick: Complement it with an incongruously ornate first name to help people realize how Unique your child is! Finding the right proportion of first-name complexity to last-name banality is challenging but ultimately rewarding. Here are some examples:
- Cornelius Liu
- Siegfried Kim
- Mathilda Leung
- Patricio Ng
- Bartholomew Paik
- Ferdinand Foo
- Temperance Wu
- Pansy Dee
- Eustace Kwok
- Hans Kim
- Rupert Wang
- Woodrow Fong
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